Needing to Belong
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: Stella some people will do anything to belong to something greater than them. And me Mac? What do I belong to? You belong to our love Stella, that is greater than us. SMACKED angsty/romantic One-Shot. Based on & some spoilers from eppy 6.14 Sanguine Love


**Title: Needing to Belong**

**Summary:** Stella some people will do anything to belong to something greater than them. And me Mac? What do I belong to? You belong to our love Stella, that is greater than us. SMACKED angsty/romantic One-Shot. Based on & some spoilers from eppy 6.14 Sanguine Love

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Mac Taylor but I wish I did (course then I'd have no time for writing)! This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of CSI New York and any other regular cast and supporting cast members all belong to CBS, Paramount & Jerry Bruckheimer and Anthony Zuiker. All other characters are my own. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

**A/N:** Am always a bit nervous when I do a complete Stella POV so hopefully you all like it. Thanks! And yes once again the damn writers have denied us our SMACKED but we gotta keep the faith right?

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_'Imagine recording the last moments of your life on film,'_ even now those words I spoke to Danny haunt me. What was Estelle thinking? Did she have time? Did she curse the name of the man she was supposed to be in love with as he ended her existence? With a sad epitaph for someone so young.

I stand and stare at Estelle Christiansen's body, through the glass of Sid's room for what seems like forever. '_You're at peace now'_, the words escape my lips in a dead whisper. I have worked on tough cases in the past; ones with forgotten or abandoned children. But this was different; Estelle made this choice and life showed her that it was a deadly one.

I watch Sid finishing up his final report, his hands working carefully and tirelessly on the body of a woman who wanted so much from life and was dealt one of the worst hands a human could receive; deceit, mistrust, false love and ultimately death.

A small lump forms in my throat and my eyes nearly water as I see in my mind's eye, Estelle's natural face turn and look at me and offer a kind smile, a small nod of understanding and a mouthed, _'thank you'_, for at least allowing her some small semblance of respect in death.

She was doomed from the start; a future bleak and full of despair right from day one. She had thought she had found something; something worth loving, something worth living for. I know in my heart that if she knew what she knew before she died, she never would have made the same choices. Or would she? She entered that cult willingly, maybe she would have done the same.

I remember first looking at Estelle's body, her lifeless eyes instantly calling to me for help; begging for an avenger, even an unknown one. It was a cruel death; not that there is anything as a merciful killing, but this was just heartless. I could hear her screaming, begging for her life; pleading for an explanation before her dream ended.

_'Why Stella...why me? I trusted him',_ her whispered voice seems to haunt me even now. A photographer, an artist, someone with a passion inside that was seeking fulfillment; a creative voice that needed an outlet; someone with a future ahead. At least that's what Estelle probably thought, hoped and dreamed when she was little.

I see myself, an orphan, alone and abandoned, sitting beside my window at one of the orphan homes, staring outside into the rain, closing my eyes as silent tears escaped and ran down my face, taking with them hopes and dreams for a better life. Did Estelle have that? Did she ever feel that kind of abandon? Or was she filled with a false sense of promise?

"A lovers quarrel," I whisper as the image of Estelle's face whispers, _'I'm sorry,'_ before she lays still once again. But she doesn't have to be sorry to me, I'm not the one who did this to her. My eyes drop to the tattoo on her wrist; the mark of a future that was written in blood; hers.

Blood sharing. Secret cult. Figurative vampires. Those words, even now send a small shiver down my spine. Why did she enter such a life willingly? Did she really have a choice? Didn't her father want something better for her? Inside his heart? Or did he selfishly want her to be like him? I only have his side and I know that can be twisted to tickle my ears with whatever he wants me to hear. I want Estelle's story; the truth as she saw it. I want to know what she really felt inside in those last moments of her life. I'll never get it; I can only offer Estelle the relief that now she's at peace; but that's it and for that, inside, I feel like I have failed her.

My brain ponders all the terrible things that Estelle might have experienced in the hours leading up to her death and my heart starts to beat heavily in my chest. But as my brain switches Estelle's face with my own, I have now have to wonder what my life would have turned out if I had turned to some extremist group to find a sense of belonging and family. What if I had been the one to put my trust into the wrong hands and them turn on me in such a brutal way? Would anyone have missed me if I died? Would anyone have worked so many long and hard hours to find out how I died? A whispered promise to avenge my untimely demise?

Who loves me? My heart starts to beat heavily in my chest as I allow my mind to dwell on that. No one. No one loves me, I mean really loves me.

"How sad," I whisper in misery, now unaware that I have an audience watching.

"What is sad?" The warm voice of my partner quickly snaps my attention and focus away from the young woman now draped with a white sheet to the concerned face of the handsome man beside me.

Do I tell him the truth? About what I really meant? That I feel sad because I am unloved? No. Some things are better left unsaid.

"Her end Mac, her end was sad," I offer in miserable half-truth. I quickly swallow my sorrow and turn to him with a firm smile; once again determined to show him and the world around me that Stella Bonasera isn't affected by things like these, that I can stare the ugliness of human deviance in the face and it doesn't faze me in the least. And my walls hold, no one yet able to fully break them down and force me to want to show them my vulnerable side to the fullest extent.

"How was Mr. Christansen?"

"Coping," Mac sighs. "Are you?"

Mac has on a few rare occasions been privy to a few personal breakdowns, but even then, I am not sure if I should be bothering him with all my petty insecurities and emotional trials. He already has such a heavy burden with his own personal demons that it seems unloving to add to any of stress that he always seems to be carrying.

"Stella?" His voice gently pulls me back out of my mental stupor.

"Just tired Mac."

"You okay?"

"I will be," I tell him with a nod of my head.

But his warm eyes search mine for the answer I am not giving; trying to seek a way into my soul for some unseen insight into what is really bothering me at this moment.

"Just can't help but wonder Mac..."

"What?"

"If given another chance...maybe a different upbringing, would she still be alive right now? Perhaps selling photographs to Vogue or Time magazine?"

"She made the choice Stella. And in the end it was really Keith who was to blame. No matter what, he took her life."

"Right," I reply with a simple glance as I turn back, my eyes wanting to threaten tears. I know one of the things Mac admires about me is my strength; putting his truth in that strength is something I'll never take for granted. But I also know that in order for me to be that person in front of him especially, there are times when I need to breakdown, away from any prying eyes and listening ears.

"Goodnight Mac, see you tomorrow."

I turn to leave, but his warm hand gently squeezes my arm, forcing me to turn around to face him, my heart starting to beat faster in my burdened chest.

"What else is bothering you?"

"Just a tough way to go Mac."

"Stella, come on it's me. You know you can talk to me," his voice urges as his strong body leans in closer, forcing heat to build between us; a very welcomed sensation, soothing my nerves instantly. His face looks at me with an expression of love and warmth, his eyes begging me for more than a few mere words to tell him what is going on inside my head and heart.

"It's um..." I start only as his phone rings and the moment is broken. "See you tomorrow Mac."

"Stella...wait," he states with a frown but I know I must take my leave; wanting to escape the halls of death and despair as fast as I can; not able to put this case behind me fast enough. I hurry down hall, hearing Mac calling my name, but not stopping until I am seated in the back of a cab, home now calling me to the safe confines of solitude.

I lean back on the seat and close my eyes, Estelle's face once again before my mind, her lips begging for help but her face holding an expression that tells me she understands why I can't.

_'Goodbye Stella,'_ Estelle offers and my eyes finally water.

"What if it was me?" I whisper in torment as I slowly open my eyes as a few anguished tears finally escape and threaten to slide down my cheeks. I quickly brush them away, never allowing myself to show weakness to a stranger for any reason. If I can't share my sorrow with Mac, my best friend in this world, then I'd never allow a strange cab driver to be privy to my life in any way.

I slowly exit the cab and head up to my apartment; my entire being exhausted, both mentally and physically. I close the door, leaning against it in sorrow as my eyes water once more. I slowly sag to the floor, clutching my knees to my chest, burying my head in my folded arms and allowing myself to express the emotion that I would never allow the public world to witness.

Finally, after what seems like a small eternity, I push myself up off the floor and slowly head into my bedroom to change into something a bit more comfortable, stuffing my hair into a messy bun before I head back into the kitchen. My stomach is too wound up to eat anything at this hour, so I reach for the kettle, hoping some herbal tea will settle my nerves so that I can at least get a few hours sleep.

While I wait for the water to boil, I wander over to the window and peer outside into the darkness of night. I momentarily close my eyes, my brain once again flashes tormented images of my lonely childhood and how I would sit by the window each morning, praying that when I would look out, I'd see my parents coming to get me. But as each tear would start to fall I knew it was just a dream, no one wanted me, no one loved me; I didn't mean anything to anyone.

Estelle needed to belong; she sought acceptance and love, but unfortunately for her, did so in the wrong places and it cost her her very life. I too had that need at one time; so desperate to belong to something that was greater than me, someone wanting and needing me because they had to have me as part of their life. Would I ever have that? I would like to think so and inside my mind and heart I know there is only one person I would allow myself to feel such acceptance for. But inside my mind, I also fear that that is just a foolish dream; one that might never come true.

There were groups back then as there are now; groups with dark motives and scary purposes, wanting and needing new members; often catering to the lost and forgotten. Offerings of hope, salvation and a sense of belonging their calling cards; a showy faade to all who would seek them out for something other than a mere passing interest.

But that wasn't the family or feeling of love I was looking for; it wasn't the purpose my life needed and so I stayed away, always telling them and myself that I didn't need anyone or anything as I would be okay on my own. I would take care of myself and no one would ever be able to hurt me. I was wrong. Frankie, Drew, a few others all forced in my mind a healthy sense of fear and mistrust of those that would so offer their love freely; seemingly no strings attached. Would I ever open my heart again? I would, but to one person only. The one person I trust with my very soul.

My mind is now so focused on sorrow and miserable thoughts of the past that I fail to hear the kettle screaming on the oven, nearly drowning out the persistent knocking on my front door. I have a no men policy that has, well for the most part, kept me safe over the past number of years. But I have trusted one man, and one man alone with the key to my apartment.

_"Stella?"_

I hear his soft voice calling my name. But it seems like a dream, as my lips mouth his name but no sound is heard.

_"Stella!"_

I hear it again, this time with a little more persistence.

_"Mac..."_ I whisper his name.

"Stella!" His voice finally snaps me from my morbid stupor and I turn around with a gasp.

"Mac! What the hell..." my voice trails off as my heart races. I try to focus my bleary eyes, his body at bay, afraid to come any closer. I finally compose myself and stand before him with a strained expression. "How did you...get in?"

"I have a key," he holds up, "and I heard..." his voice trails off as he heads back to the kitchen to turn off the screaming kettle. "I heard the kettle and was worried when you didn't answer," he confesses as he turns back to me with a slight frown. "You okay?"

"I um...yeah sure...what are you doing here?"

"I have known you long enough to know when you are lying to me," he tells me in truth; his words warm and soft spoken, not accusatory or demanding.

"I didn't mean to lie."

"Please Stella, tell me what's wrong?" He gently begs as he nears me again, stepping a bit closer but then stopping, almost afraid to penetrate my personal space for fear of a tongue lashing or mental berating. But I can't do that to him; I care to much and for him to know when I need him most and then show up, insisting I take his hand, I finally realize what I belong to. To him.

"I kept seeing myself today Mac. That could have been me...if I had trusted the wrong person _again_. It almost happened once," I finish in a soft whisper as a lone tear escapes my glistening eyes and slowly slides down my cheek. Mac finally takes action; one swift step and he's in front of me, his warm fingers tenderly brushing away the tear before his arms encircle me, holding me close as my body threatens to breakdown in his strong arms.

"I kept asking myself, if I would have ended up like Estelle if I had made certain choices so many years ago; when I was left and forgotten. What if I had sought out the wrong group to feel love and acceptance from?"

Mac listens as I rattle on about my unjustified inner fears and doubts; not interrupting but supporting me with unspoken love and support. My rock; my pillar of strength in my darkest hour, as he always has been. He's the one man I trust with my life; the only man. Would I ever trust him with my heart? I already know the answer to that; Mac already has my heart.

"Stella, I can't comment on your life and choices before, but I know your strength and motivation now. If it's grown from a young woman than you never would have ended up like Estelle, you never needed that. You were never weak."

"Why did she do it then?"

"She believed Joseph. She was misguided."

"And it cost her her very life. What a price to pay for wanting the wrong ideal."

"Stella some people will do anything to belong to something greater than them."

"She was betrayed by love Mac; by her boyfriend, someone she thought brought her happiness. His jealousy drove him to murder. Is it even worth it?"

"Love?"

"Belonging."

"We all belong to something Stella."

"And me Mac? What do I belong to that is greater than me? Our job? That just isn't good enough."

"You belong to our love Stella, that is greater than us," Mac whispers in my ear and my world stops short.

_Love? Our love? Did he just say that?_

"What?" I look up into the warm blue eyes of the man holding me close and lightly smile. "Love?"

"Love," he repeats as he places a warm kiss on my forehead, his warm hands still holding me captive against his rapidly beating chest. "I'd never let you fall like that Stella," he promises and my arms tighten around him. "I care too much."

"I wish I could have known her; before, maybe I could have"... my voice trails off as Mac's fingers gently squeeze my forearm and I look up in wonder.

"Just like you told me about Craig; if they don't want help, there is nothing we can do."

"Hate that feeling Mac," I state in tormented truth. "I hate always feeling like the clean up crew or something."

Mac pulls me close once more, knowing there really is nothing more the can say to ease my ramblings right now. He allows me to pour out my heart a little more, my energy almost exhausted. But I don't want to move; if I do, he'll leave and I'll be alone. And more than anything, right now, I don't want to be alone.

"I should um..."

"No Mac, please not just yet. Stay a bit longer."

"I wasn't going to leave you alone Stella, not tonight," he murmurs in my ear, his soft lips nuzzling my tender skin. "I was just going to get you some tea."

"Oh right, I can..." I start as I pull away from him.

Mac's hand quickly captures mine and he pulls me back toward him. "You just go and rest, please? Let me for once take care of you."

I offer only a small sniffle and nod as I head into the bathroom, leaving Mac to take off his jacket and make my tea. I head into the bathroom, splash some cold water onto my face and then slowly head into my bedroom, wanting just to rest in the strong arms and loving company of my best friend.

Mac had tossed out the word _love _so naturally but never qualified it with saying I love you. But as much as I want to hear those words from him; my mind begging to be loved and needed by such an amazing man, I won't push for a full confession just yet. I need him to be the one to offer it freely of his own accord. If he's mentioned it once, I know I won't have to wait to long for something that I have longed to hear from him since I think I have met him.

I finally ease myself onto the bed when I watch Mac slowly enter my bedroom and stop in the doorway. His eyes nervously look around, his facial expression waiting for an invitation that I know he doesn't need. He, of all men, never needs to ask; but once again his respect for me, forbids him from taking any kind of intimate liberties.

"Mac you never need to ask," I assure him and his face immediately relaxes. His jacket removed, a few buttons undone and his body actually looks a bit more relaxed. He places the tea on the small bedside dresser and then looks at the bed in expectation.

"Stay with me?"

"For as long as you need," he replies in a soft tone as he eases himself down beside me, carefully gathering me into his arms and holding me tightly once again against his strong chest. His fingers tenderly stroke my side, teasing my cheek from time to time and pushing aside golden curls that impede his movements.

"Her father Mac...he was..."

"Misguided and he wanted her to share his misguided ideals. I assume at one point he thought he knew what he was doing, perhaps for both; but once again I doubt if he could foresee her death, if would he have allowed her to follow that course. But maybe he wouldn't have had a choice..." Mac's voice ends with a heavy sigh. "All we can do now is speculate."

"Sometimes thats all we have Mac."

"Speculations are a waste of time Stella," he states in truth.

"Because it's just us assuming the truth as to what we make it. I know," I reply with a heavy frown as I twist my neck and look up at him with a warm smile.

Mac's face lights up as his lips plant a warm kiss on my forehead.

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," he replies warmly. "I'll never leave you like that Stella, no matter what; you'll never be without hope."

"Hope for what Mac?" I softly urge.

"Hope for whatever your heart wants."

"My heart wants you," I confess and his lips plant one more loving kiss as his arms tighten. I wasn't really expecting a reply, I just wanted him to know what was in my heart; he is. He is my life and sometimes the only reason I have for living; for fulfilling a sometimes dismal existence.

"I hope for the same thing," Mac whispers as his head rests on mine.

"Really?"

"Let me show you how much," he states as he gently twists himself around, his body now gently pressing into mine, pushing me further into the soft covers that are my bedspread.

I look up in wonder, his eyes holding a certain amount of uncertainty and a lot of desire. "Mac...I'll never hurt you," I whisper as I gently lead his lips to mine and start to taste them.

"Stella I didn't mean to..." he murmurs as he tries to pull back.

"Please Mac...you don't have to worry."

"I love you Stella," Mac finally confesses and I look at him in wonder.

"Y-you do?"

"I do. I have been afraid to say it up to now; always worried you might not feel the same or want what I had to offer. But I am saying it now because it's true and I'm not afraid to say it. I want you to know and believe me."

"I do believe you. I love you more than anything. And I too am not just saying it because you are. I am saying it because in my heart I know I love you. I think part of me has since the day we met and I know that feeling has only strengthened. You make me feel loved and wanted Mac. It's almost hard to express how much you make me want to love you; to need you," I whisper as his face beams. "I belong to us Mac; to our love. And that is the most amazing feeling in the world."

"You'll never be alone," he whispers. "I promise."

Without saying anything further, he leans in closer and plants a hungry kiss on my waiting lips; before pulling back and looking at me with uncertainty.

"I would be lying if I said I didn't want this," he tells me in truth. "But..." he starts only to have me warmly cover his mouth with mine, silencing any soft replies and forcing his moans to whispered sounds for my listening pleasure.

His fingers start to gently push my top slowly up, his warm fingers dancing around my skin, teasing my bare flesh and forcing a myriad of shiver bumps to cover any piece of exposed flesh his fingers are touching.

"Mmm Mac..." I moan as my fingers unbutton the rest of his dress shirt and then toss it to the floor, before moving lower and dancing around his belt buckle.

"Are you sure?" He asks once again, a tone so low that it sets my heart racing with anticipated delight and fear.

"I am, but I sense hesitation."

"I don't want you to think I am taking advantage of this...situation," he states slowly, a worried frown adorning his handsome face. "I know today has been tough and you left because you were hurting..."

"Mac I know that you would never use any situation; especially one where I was vulnerable, to your own selfish advantage. I know that and love that about you," I assure and his face finally softens. "It was a tough case and I was emotionally down because of it; but not enough to hinder me expressing my love to you to the fullest extent possible. If Estelle's death has taught me anything, it's that love should never be wasted or taken for granted."

"It'll never be wasted Stella," he promises. "I'll hold that love sacred and never betray you. You belong to me and although I might not be able to offer you everything you have ever wanted, I can offer you a happy future with me at your side."

"That's more than I ever wanted. Just like you...you are more than I have ever wanted. Do you understand that?"

"I will," he smiles as he tastes my lips once more. "I love you Stella."

"Make love to me Mac," I gently beg.

Without further hesitation, his lips crush mine once more, flooding me with heated passion and sending my heart rate near critical.

"Mmm you feel so good," Mac whispers in my ear as the last vestige of clothing is finally removed and our new union has started.

His strong hands keep me trapped against his body; his actions warm and loving and it's amazing how much of himself he's giving to me without even saying a word. We continue to move together as one; our lips locked and bodies intertwined as our new union starts to cement in our hearts.

"Mac..." I gently call his name; offering his name as his actions offers me love and passion.

"Love you Stella," Mac whispers in my ear before his warm lips plant soft kisses on the sensitive skin, forcing my body to lightly arch into his and his arms to tighten further, capturing me against his rapidly beating heart. "You are so beautiful."

My fingers grasp some short dark sweaty strands and then guide his lips back to mine, my tongue teasing his as small beads of sweat start to slowly trickle down my sides. Mac's flushed lips call my name one more time before the room is suddenly still; except for two loudly beating hearts.

"Stella...I..." Mac whispers as he looks down, lovingly pushing a damp curl behind my ear and then placing a warm kiss on my glistening forehead. "That was amazing."

"Thank you for making me feel beautiful and loved Mac," I state in truth as my fingers gently press against his flushed face.

"I love you Stella, I'll never leave you," he promises me as I bring his lips to me once more and taste them. "I belong to you."

"You always have Mac. You have always belonged to me; now in the complete sense."

"And you'll always belong to me Stella," he assures me as his strong arms wrap around me, pulling me tight against his bare chest. "Now just rest. I'm not going anywhere."

I close my eyes and take comfort in his loving presence and soothing voice; no further words needed. And Mac was right, most people need something greater than themselves to belong to; to believe in; to need and love, to give them purpose and a sense of belonging.

Mac's words, however, give me hope. _Our love; I belong to our love_. That is something greater than both of us; something that now gives me hope; something I want to belong to; want to believe in and want to love. And as the night starts to descend upon us I know one thing is certain; with Mac Taylor firmly in my heart I'll never need to belong to anything else.

**THE END!**

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**A/N:** wasn't sure to end on a smexy note or not but went with this and hope you all liked it a little; wanted to ease the dark beginning with a happy ending. Thanks again! And remember to drop by the forum to talk about tonight's eppy and get spoiler info and talk to other SMACKED fans


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